To the Angry Wife – Gospel Encouragement Amid Accumulating Frustrations

House color, take-out budget. Kid’s bedtimes, kid’s discipline. Sports, rest, vacation, and even Christmas presents. You name it, and my husband and I have disagreed about it. Sometimes we argue, sometimes we discuss civilly, and occasionally, one of us freely concedes. 

But regardless of whether or not I “win” the disagreement, anger can still linger. I feel frustrated if I don’t feel heard, I feel foolish if I feel misunderstood, and I feel downright resentful if I’ve given in to something I don’t actually want. 

Anger in motherhood is one thing, but anger in marriage has proved to be a completely different ball game, with emotions plunging deeper and enduring longer. Sometimes there are big, grievous events, but maybe most often, conflict occurs in the basic details of daily life. It’s easy to rush through the chaos, but it’s the build up of frustrations which, over time, drive a deeper wedge than we ever expect. 

Instead of carrying our anger with us, may we be encouraged to pursue healthy rhythms of resolution by learning from Cain and Abel. 

The first named sons of Adam and Eve, these brothers are a legendary soured relationship. Both men bring sacrifices to the Lord, and only Abel’s is received. “So Cain was very angry, and his face fell” (Genesis 4:5). For different reasons, we empathize with Cain and could just as easily insert our own names into the passage. 

While we naturally tend to resist God in these emotions, we see Him reach out to Cain. “Why are you angry, and why has your face fallen?” (Genesis 4:6). God speaks patiently and gently, even after rejecting Cain and his offering. We also notice God initiating before any murder scene. Whether the offense is large or small, whether we are in the wrong or were wronged, God cares for us. He is always giving us his open ear. And he is the only one who can heal our hurts.

Next, we see God give a new opportunity. “If you do well, will you not be accepted?” (Genesis 4:7). For years, I struggled with this passage because I heard God say, “just do the right thing, and everything will be fine.” But God wasn’t looking for rote obedience, and he wasn’t ignoring Cain’s heart. God offers Cain something better than harboring his anger. Quite literally, God invites – put me first, and your face will be lifted. 

Instinctively, we tend to look to our spouses for affirmation, attention, and applause, and then we look to God to fill in the gaps. But our husbands were never meant to be God. While there isn’t a single magic solution for conflict and heartbreak, loving God first is the predominant orientation of a believer, and it is a fundamental necessity for our marriages. Our countenance is lifted as we put God first. There is freedom in life with Him, his way.

And last, the passage offers a warning. “And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is contrary to you, but you must rule over it” (Genesis 4:7). We watch this unfold for Cain: anger leads to murder which leads to separation from God. “Cain rose up against his brother Abel and killed him… Then Cain went away from the presence of the Lord” (Genesis 4:8, 16).

If we don’t bring our anger to the Lord who loves us, it will be set ablaze by the enemy who hates us. Satan wants our emotions to be weapons of ruin in our marriages, to bring death to it entirely. Resentment, piercing criticism and cold posture offer an illusion of control. But we can guarantee: it will never take us where we want to go. 

Perhaps this is the main point. Hidden at the beginning of the passage, we read, “In the course of time, Cain brought (the rejected offering)” (Genesis 4:3). Cain didn’t spend a lifetime loving God and suddenly bring an offensive offering. And he didn’t spend years as a protector and abruptly kill his brother. Habits and affections develop over time. 

This is exactly what Paul teaches. “You are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness” (Romans 6:16). The burden would be heavy upon us, if not for help. He continues, “You have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 6:22-23).

While I’m not suggesting we’ll singlehandedly ruin our marriages if we let little things build up, nor suggesting we overlook sin, we do have the opportunity to handle anger in righteousness. And we can do it with and through the God who loves us, the God who has set us free. [1]

Like God reached out to Cain in his anger, God has reached out to us through his son. Jesus spent an eternity loving the Father, so when the time came to leave Heaven for life here where he’d be crucified on our behalf, there was no hesitation. He was fully prepared, knowing the cost, and knowing the gain. He cares that deeply for us to be with him. And he cares that deeply for us to be freed from our own natural inclinations.

Who knows what we’ll find under the tree at our house this Christmas. But I do know, I can listen, talk respectfully, and ultimately, trust God with the details. He hears our every prayer. He sees our every act. He is our ultimate Groom, sanctifying us through marriage as he creates the most beautiful version of us to last for all eternity.

I love the Lord, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live. – Psalm 116:1-2

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[1] And this is eternal life, that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent. John 17:3

How: While this article is aimed to answer the “why”, I realize the “how” is a huge struggle for a lot of us. My biggest encouragement is that we stay committed to learning. 
Primarily, we pray. We cry out to God, we listen to God. He is our Shepherd. 
And we learn wisdom from those who’ve walked before us. Below are a handful of resources that I have found helpful in answering, bit by bit, pieces of the “how”. 

Podcast: The Deep Dish: When You Want to Change Your Husband
Storyverse Podcast: Cain and Abel

Article: Hospitality in Conflict
Invitations Over Instructions

Book: How to Speak Life to Your Husband: When All You Want to Do Is Yell at Him
My Dear Hemlock

Related: In the Doubt and Discouragement – What we learn from Psalm 73
Did I Just Mess Up My Life?
The thief comes
Let Every Person Be… Slow to Anger