Let Every Person Be… Slow to Anger

It was meant to be helpful, the response I received upon venting frustrations. But it wasn’t. It had the opposite effect. I could feel my blood pressure rising, my heartbeat increasing. I held it in.

I continued holding it all night. I couldn’t let it go. I didn’t want to. I felt so justified. I carried the emotion into my dreams. I woke up angry.

It was the day I had planned to start writing this post. Oh, the irony…

In all other life categories, I think I’ve had some maturity. But anger? Honestly, I think I’ve gone backwards. I get mad at my kids, mad at my husband, and mad at terrible drivers. I even get mad at automated prompts when I call the doctor!

Can anyone relate? Do we have any hope?

To start, we should learn what anger is. Counselors affirm that it’s a secondary emotion, a red flag needing attention. A devotion based on “Love Slows Down” explains that we get angry when our security, connection/relationship, or control are threatened. When we understand what we’re angry about, we can deal with it appropriately.

We also can be reminded that it’s okay to get angry. We should get angry. We should get mad at injustice, at sin. David writes of this throughout the Psalms, “Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?” [1] We can mimic God’s affections. His anger is holy, as God is holy. There is righteous anger. 

The problem, of course, is our motives get mixed. James reminds us, “for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” [2]. We might be justified in what we’re angry about, but not necessarily in the why or how. 

We see this impulsively when someone cuts us off in traffic, our kids shoot back a disrespectful retort, or we read an offensive comment on social media. We aren’t inherently mad because of traffic danger, sinful hearts, or a distorted moral compass. We get angry because of the impact on us. 

Proverbs warns, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense” [3]. I’ve never heard it explained better than Heidi St. John in her book, Becoming MomStrong:

“Did you know that the Greek word for ‘offense’ is skandalon, which literally means the part of an animal trap where bait is hung? In other words, an offense is literally a trap. Got it? Good. Because here’s my point: if we’re in a battle (and the Bible clearly says we are), it makes perfect sense that the devil would choose to use offenses to catch us in his snare… Think about it – when people offend us, we get angry and hold grudges. That leads to unforgiveness, which leads to broken relationships, which lead to self-pity and isolation, which lead to broken communication with God.”  

Yikes. I hate how right she is. I instinctively love to justify myself, but if not even for the other person, we have to protect the trajectory our anger leads us down.

We can also deal with anger over an extended issue. We conclude: we’ve been patient enough, endured enough and now can “let it out”. But James doesn’t offer that. We need to deal with ongoing offenses. Yes. We need to enforce healthy boundaries. And we must learn to forgive –  every offense, no exceptions. But we’re still responsible for our choices. And venting it our way only gives more opportunities to Satan.

I promise, I get it. It’s easy to get angry, easy to justify and painful to feel. And it’s so stinking hard to release. But might we both consider – what are we really after? What we do in our anger matters, because what we feed grows. Ephesians 4 warns us of futility of mind, hardness of heart, bitterness and wrath [4]. I know we don’t want to camp there.

But one thing I’ve learned is that even when we know the right things or agree intellectually, we don’t have a softened heart. We can’t change it ourselves. But we can respond to the Gospel invitation offered to us. At the cross, God surrendered his right to be mad at you. He surrendered his right to be mad at me. He surrendered it for something better – a relationship. We can bring our anger to God. We can bring him our emotions, our fears, our doubts. And when we do, he promises to stay close. Every time we draw near to him, it’s because he’s already beckoned for us to come [5]. 

Sanctification hurts. It hurts our pride, it hurts our drive to control. Most days I’d rather be ripping Band-Aids off my arm than apologizing or letting go of an offense. But can we be reminded? God is making something beautiful. Trusting him is good, and trusting ourselves is enslaving. We can grow in the discipline of controlling our minds and surrendering our fears. We have a real enemy who wants us to stay stuck, who is fighting against us and wants us to lose all the good and uplifting relationships that God has given us. But his input doesn’t have to win.

We can look to Scripture and trust our God, for He has triumphed over the grave. We can trust that we are the cherished recipients of spiritual blessings [6], and we are already known, already loved, already chosen.

I couldn’t figure out what I was fighting for that evening of the maddening phone call. I sat in bed with all the practical reasons to let go. But the hardness of heart was stronger than the logic. Life is relational. All reconciliation takes time and attention. But might we, together, learn to start by coming to God. By taking hold of the truths and identity we have in Christ. With him, may we learn to manage our emotions in a way that points all attention and glory to the One who has brought us close.

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! – Psalm 139:23-24

A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back. – Proverbs 29:11

Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city. – Proverbs 16:32

[1] Psalm 139:21
[2] James 1:20
[3] Proverbs 19:11
[4] Ephesians 4:17-32
[5] John 6:44
[6] Ephesians 1:3-23